“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” -Chuck Palahniuk
Breast Cancer Awareness
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited... It cannot cripple Love It cannot shatter Hope It cannot corrode Faith It cannot destroy Peace It cannot kill Friendship It cannot suppress Memories It cannot silence Courage It cannot invade the Soul It cannot steal eternal Life It cannot conquer the Spirit.
-Author Unknown
“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, and fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.” -Chuck Palahniuk
My life is a series of changes. A series of hits and misses, ghosts and corpses. I've lost a lot and gained what I've taken. This time next year, I won't be this girl anymore. I create my existence through change
I want to know what's going on with me. I always want to know everything. Being so curious gets me in trouble sometimes. My brain, it's fucked up. I had my first appointment with the therapist on Wednesday. He diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. That diagnosis is scaring the shit out of me. My first appointment wasn't bad. I survived. I'm not sure if I can survive my next appointment, though. My therapist, Arnold, informed me that at my next appointment, we will be re-living my traumas. Both of them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that. I'm not sure if I can handle that. I've suppressed my memories of both of those events for the past 9-11 years. I am deathly scared of remembering. They both caused me SO much pain, physically and emotionally, and I just want to forget it ever happened! I know that it's impossible to forget. I've been trying since the moment it happened. I guess the only way I'll ever be able to heal and move on is to face my fears head on, right? I'm normally an extremely strong person, so why is this so hard for me? Why can't I overcome this? I've never had a problem, big or small, that I couldn't overcome on my own. I feel lost, depressed, helpless, scared, confused and downright terrified. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I hate that nobody understands and that I have nobody to talk to. Retract that last statement, I have people to talk to. I have TONS of people who love and support me. Tons of people who are extremely proud of me. If everybody else is so proud, how come I don't see it. There's nothing to be proud of. Why can't I be proud of myself? Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am. Again, I don't see it. I feel like the weakest piece of shit out there. I feel helpless, dependent and useless. Why can't I see myself the way everybody else sees me? Why can't I just be ok? Normal? Happy? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I've become the exact person that I have fought my whole life to not be. Weak, helpless, vulnerable, dependent and depressed. I never wanted to be those things. How did I let myself get here? WHY did I allow him to do this to me?! Why?! He shouldn't control my life! He's scum. I shouldn't let him have that power of me. I know that, yet, I can't help it. I can't help but let him control me. So why am I still afraid of him 10 years later? Why do I still see his face when I close my eyes, feel his hands on my skin, hear his whispers in my ear? Somebody please tell me how to deal with this! The more I talk about it, the more scared I get and the worse the symptoms are. I thought talking was supposed to help?!
Aww honey! I know I'm some random person that you just RP with halfway across the world that you dont know, but I'm here for you, seriously! You seem, well you are, in so much pain. I just want you to feel happy. Because honestly, you're a beautiful person. From what I know, you've been kind, and funny, and FUN. I know you don't see it now, but you gotta see the positives in life. It's tough, we all face our own troubles. Yours are just extensie and I wish I could take them away for you. You are strong. Why? Because you've gone to a therapist, for whatever happened, and second, because you've admitted your feelings. You've told people how you feel. Right here. On this blog. You've let people in. And quite frankly, I think that's fucking amazing for all the stuff you're going through. You're getting there. it's just one step at a time, hun. Don't ever give up. I know you think I'm telling you cliche cheesy stuff, which is usually the way I roll, but really.. this is true. I see it. You're going to get through this.
1 comments:
Aww honey! I know I'm some random person that you just RP with halfway across the world that you dont know, but I'm here for you, seriously! You seem, well you are, in so much pain. I just want you to feel happy. Because honestly, you're a beautiful person. From what I know, you've been kind, and funny, and FUN. I know you don't see it now, but you gotta see the positives in life. It's tough, we all face our own troubles. Yours are just extensie and I wish I could take them away for you. You are strong. Why? Because you've gone to a therapist, for whatever happened, and second, because you've admitted your feelings. You've told people how you feel. Right here. On this blog. You've let people in. And quite frankly, I think that's fucking amazing for all the stuff you're going through. You're getting there. it's just one step at a time, hun. Don't ever give up. I know you think I'm telling you cliche cheesy stuff, which is usually the way I roll, but really.. this is true. I see it. You're going to get through this.
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