Woot

Sam: Friends are like condoms...they protect you when things get hard.

Me: bahahaha that's funny.

Sam: you're my own personal condom

Me: You're MY own personal condom.

I can be Happy!

I can and will be happy. I'm trying so hard! I'm just wishing that I don't fail! Eep! Scary times in my life.

Happy

Tired of living and scared of dying. Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone. I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own. I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more now.

 

 

Hurt

Kenny's car was stolen from work, the hospital. I drove straight there, as soon as I found out. I was worried, concerned. I know his car is his baby. I knew he was devastated. He pushed me away. As soon as I came he said "What are you doing here?" I told him I was there for him. He pushed me away. "I don't need you" is what he said. I am hurt beyond words right now. Those words cut me deep. Extremely deep. I'm a wreck.

I am caught in the crossfire, between the desire to understand and the fear of that understanding.

I want to know what's going on with me. I always want to know everything. Being so curious gets me in trouble sometimes. My brain, it's fucked up. I had my first appointment with the therapist on Wednesday. He diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. That diagnosis is scaring the shit out of me. My first appointment wasn't bad. I survived. I'm not sure if I can survive my next appointment, though. My therapist, Arnold, informed me that at my next appointment, we will be re-living my traumas. Both of them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that. I'm not sure if I can handle that. I've suppressed my memories of both of those events for the past 9-11 years. I am deathly scared of remembering. They both caused me SO much pain, physically and emotionally, and I just want to forget it ever happened! I know that it's impossible to forget. I've been trying since the moment it happened. I guess the only way I'll ever be able to heal and move on is to face my fears head on, right? I'm normally an extremely strong person, so why is this so hard for me? Why can't I overcome this? I've never had a problem, big or small, that I couldn't overcome on my own. I feel lost, depressed, helpless, scared, confused and downright terrified. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I hate that nobody understands and that I have nobody to talk to. Retract that last statement, I have people to talk to. I have TONS of people who love and support me. Tons of people who are extremely proud of me. If everybody else is so proud, how come I don't see it. There's nothing to be proud of. Why can't I be proud of myself? Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am. Again, I don't see it. I feel like the weakest piece of shit out there. I feel helpless, dependent and useless. Why can't I see myself the way everybody else sees me? Why can't I just be ok? Normal? Happy? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I've become the exact person that I have fought my whole life to not be. Weak, helpless, vulnerable, dependent and depressed. I never wanted to be those things. How did I let myself get here? WHY did I allow him to do this to me?! Why?! He shouldn't control my life! He's scum. I shouldn't let him have that power of me. I know that, yet, I can't help it. I can't help but let him control me. So why am I still afraid of him 10 years later? Why do I still see his face when I close my eyes, feel his hands on my skin, hear his whispers in my ear? Somebody please tell me how to deal with this! The more I talk about it, the more scared I get and the worse the symptoms are. I thought talking was supposed to help?!


GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So fucking frustrated.

I don't wanna be here right now.

The Start of a New Life

Today begins a new chapter in my life. I'm going to therapy, for the first time. I'm nervous as hell. I'm a wreck. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to talk. It's going to be hard. I dunno. I just...don't know anything. That's what drives me nuts. I hate not knowing what's going to happen next. I always think ahead, plan for the future. I don't like surprises. I don't like not knowing! I guess we'll just wait and see...

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hbickandee

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hbickandee

Here’s to responsibility. Twice a week. -Jacob Black

 

Rachel Clare McRandal

I say luck o' the Irish because my lovely Irish ancestors blessed me with enough luck to meet this amazing woman, Rachel. My Rach, Pathos, she's beautiful! I can't wait until my honeymoon because Kenny and I are going to see her! EEP! It'll be EPIC fo' sho'! Actually, Rach and I discussed the possibility of me leaving Kenny and moving to Ireland to be with her! We'd make the most beautiful lil babies and we're TOTES EPIC in love with eachother, DUHHHHHH!

Ok. In all seriousness now. (Me be serious? PSH) Rach is one of the coolest mother fuckers I know. 

Rachel is:

adorable

agreeable

alluring
ambitious
boundless
brave
bright
capable
charming
cheerful
courageous
dashing
dazzling
debonair
decisive
delightful
dynamic
enchanting
encouraging
energetic
entertaining
enthusiastic
excellent
exclusive

exuberant
fabulous
fantastic
friendly
funny
generous
gentle
glorious
good
happy
harmonious
helpful
hilarious
honorable
jolly
joyous
kind-hearted
knowledgeable
likeable
lively
lovely
loving
lucky
mature
nice
peaceful
perfect
pleasant
protective
proud
receptive
reflective
relieved
responsible
righteous
romantic
silly
sincere
smiling
splendid
stimulating
successful
talented
thoughtful
thrifty
tough
trustworthy
unusual
upbeat
vigorous
vivacious
warm
willing
wise
witty
wonderful
zany 

Needless to say...I love this girl. We were destined to meet! We're soul friends and I am extremely lucky and honored to call her my friend.  

I love you Rach! Yesterday, today and forever!

The Three Musketeers

D'ARTAGNAN = JEN
ATHOS = ME
PATHOS = RACH

We are the three musketeers! WOOT WOOT!

Anyways!!! Today is Kenny's birthday! He's 22! Happy birthday baby! I'm so fucking exhausted. I don't understand, I've been sleeping well but I'm still tired! I don't understand. It's fucked up.

Whatevs...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY! I love you more than anything. You are my world!

SAMMI

SAMMI! There are so many things I can say about this girl! First and foremost, she's the SHIT! That's the most important thing. I think Sam and I were meant to meet. We were meant to be sisters. Regardless of our age difference, we have a lot in common. We've been through a lot of shit. We know what it's like to be broken.

Anybody who knows me knows that I know broken all too well. I had to grow up at a very young age. I never got to be a child. I matured very quickly and skipped that part of my life. Sam is bringing that back to me. I always felt that I missed out on something special. Something that every other kid gets to experience but I got stolen from me. She brings out the child in me. Talking to her allows me to be free. No stress over relationships, money, family....nothing. I feel free when I talk to her. That might sound weird, and ya'll probably don't understand but it is what it is.

Regardless of the distance between us, and the fact that we've never actually met in real life, I've become extremely close to Sam. She's so easy to talk to. I come to her when I have a problem because she can give me a non-biased opinion. Lately, that's been extremely helpful. I think I do the same for her. It's easy for me to relate to the problems she's having because I've been there. I've already lived through the drama and horror of middle school. The bitchy teachers, backstabbing friends, first love and heartbreak.

Sam is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met. She's honest, smart, funny as hell and gorgeous! She's also one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. Not to be corny, but she's truly beautiful on the inside and out. She's an amazing person and I'm honored to say that she's my friend. Yet again, we've never met but she's done so much for me! She's started a notebook for me, which has really turned into a doodlebook, but it holds all of our memories together. She also painted a picture of me! I'm so excited about that because not only did she use my favorite color, but she used my favorite art form! Damned bitch knows me too well!

The crazy thing about Sam and I's friendship is that we met online. Yes, we met through twitter. Who would have thought that you could meet a lifelong friend through twitter! I mean, it's fucking twitter! LMAO. None the less, I cannot wait for 6 years from now! I can't wait to meet this fabulous woman! She's truly amazing. I can't wait for her to move in with Kenny and I. I can't wait for us to do our first art project together and paint her room! I can't wait to move to Paris and study photography!

Whatever the future holds for us, I know it will be great. I know that when we do finally meet, everything will fall into place and we'll be happy! I honestly believe, with all my heart, that Sam and I will be friends forever. I love you Sammi. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being strong and not falling into all the bullshit that you-know-who is trying to cause. Thank you for accepting me and being one of the best friends I have ever had.

I don’t want to be happy with anyone but him. -Bella Swan

I don’t want to be happy with anyone but him. 

-Bella Swan

Why can't you understand? I don't love you. I never have. We've been down that road 4 times and each time we failed. We weren't meant for each other. Can't you just be happy for me? You're my best friend. Be happy that I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. It's not fair that you put me in this position. You're making me uncomfortable, my fiancee uncomfortable, and you're putting strain on my relationship. That's not fair. A true best friend wouldn't do that so please, if you want to keep me, you need to stop. You need to change. Now. Not later, not maybe but right the fuck now. If you don't, you're going to lose me. That's a promise.

I knew exactly what I wanted, but I was suddenly terrified of getting it.
-Bella Swan

This quote could never be more true to my life than right now. I know EXACTLY who and what I want. I have the who...as long as I quit fucking up and lose him. Now, the what. I know what I want. I know how to get it but why the hell am I so afraid of success? I don't think I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid that I'm going to give it my all and it wont be good enough. I'm afraid of failure. I know I have what it takes. I know I can succeed. I know it, so why am I so afraid of it? I can't be afraid anymore. I need to do this. Balls to the wall. All out. I will succeed!

I’ve chosen my life — now I want to start living it.

-Bella Swan

So. Now I know what I want. It took me 21 years to finally figure myself out! I'm still learning. I don't know it all but I know a lot more than I did 4 months ago. This school has really changed everything. My whole view on life has done a complete 180. So, now that I know...I just have to do. Knowing is one thing, doing is another. Doing is much harder than knowing. But if I don't do, how will I be happy? I wont. Fearless. That's what I must become. I have big dreams, I have to accomplish those. Watch out world, here I come!